ZOMBI

The published fragment is from the story Beyond the Grave, published in the book Nets. This prose is gently, grotesque, mercilessly direct, with a permanently present subtext, describing the petty and empty world of a successful man preoccupied with his achievements, but also an inferiority complex that can be discovered behind the façade of his lifestyle.

Music is playing. The road is suddenly wider. The lights of the gray town are brighter. The world has a wider dimension to it. Zombi feels as if he's in an American film. He drives the car inside the rhythms and tones which flow from the car radio. He drives as if  he's in an American film. He lights up a cigarette and feels how he changes, suddenly full of vitality. Identity. His own identity. Swinging in the rhythms of tones still more fantastic, more colourful, Zombi feels great. He observes himself and tries it out... In the rear view mirror he sees, beside the curve of the road, part of his forehead. The tuft of hair which has remained in the centre of his head. He's going bald. Baldness doesn't suit him. It suits some men. He can't get used to the bald head that is his head.  He looks like a miserable, frightened tortoise. When he was young he had long hair. That was truly him – as he looked in his youth – or is it really him – as he looks now – bald? Zombi turns off the radio. He's lost the appetite to be in an American film. The mood has gone. An identity without hair... Zombi doesn't know what to do.

But he'll meet Diana in the evening. Diana gives him the desire and courage to live. When he sees his image in her eager pupils he knows hthat he's Somebody. Diana admires him. Because Zombi is admirable.

 (...)

Diana had a voice full of such promise on the telephone. Zombi will write a commentary, narrate in the studio and then go after her. He'll go after her because she lures him and calls. He likes in that she belongs to another. According to Zombi women will belong to somebody or be lonely. Diana is not lonely. She belongs to somebody. It's exciting. He's be bored with someone lonely. Such a one would use him as a medicine against loneliness. Diana – she's unfaithful to the one she belongs to. With Zombi. Zombi is proud of himself for this. It's only incidentally that he's discovered that Diana has got a child. Zombi suddenly felt so responsible... Diana has told him such a biter story over which Zombi has not dwelt. Diana is here only for a while and he doesn't need to know everything about her. Zombi has still got in reserve here a young, passionate sound technician. And he has just parted from one of the many in whom he had an interest for so long. Now he's got rid of her because he was bored with her. Zombi doesn't understand why it should continue. He played with her for a while. It was easy for him. He'd said to her: I won't deceive you, I'm a swine. And she contradicted him: Oh, you're not a swine. He explained to her that he had to split up with her because he was he was living with somebody. With another women. Had been for many years... What about her. It wasn't interesting for him so he started with Diana who has a child and so won't be too demanding. Zombi is fed up. He doesn't know from where these women derive their love for him. Why do they want to save him from himself when he likes himself as he is? In fact Zombi is a good person. He doesn't know how to be angry. He doesn't have the energy to be wicked. He said to her: You're the most amazing, the most beautiful woman that I've ever met. What more could he do for her? He said: You're better than all the others, you're so wonderful that I'm afraid of you. Could he give her a better gift? He honoured her. He told her that he wanted to have a child with her. She wanted to go off with him and so he told her to wait until he'd got all his thinks in order. Then he didn't call. She called him and he told her that he was a coward that he couldn't cope. She agreed with him. He had been caught out. He washes his hands of it. He hasn't the energy to be good or honest or open or truthful. He could be better, yes, he could be. There is still an opportunity. He can always use it. But now he doesn't want it. He has neither enough time nor enough energy and he can't see anything interesting in it. Why should he be better? And what is it anyway – to be better? If somebody doesn't seem to be good enough she can wash her hands of him. If he's such a – liar, irresponsible and I don't know what else. He is what he is. Why should he be better? For whom? Sometimes everything is so tiresome.

Sometimes it seems to Zombi that he has gone beyond the limits of his own ego. Nothing is anything to do with him. Idiots are incalculable. He doesn't rule himself out. Sometimes he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't identify with what he's done. He's opposed to it, he's sorry about it. But he can't help himself. “I'm aggressive, I'm Jekyll and Hyde, I can't help it, maybe there was a mistake in my upbringing, perhaps they didn't love me enough...” women try to compensate for all that. Whoever wants to try this out with him he lets, whoever doesn't he let's go. It's all the same to Zombi. Because he knows that these others, that her or her or that one are not all the same. He relies on it. Women are so. Zombi doesn't understand that. Occasionally it gets on his nerves. But sometimes the all-encompassing self-sacrifice of some of them suits him. That's life. Zombi must be helped. He must be saved. So he won't start drinking. This is always a threat. It could always break out. He could end badly...

Zombi feels young. Zombi dresses young. Zombi behaves young. Zombi is so sweetly irresponsible. Zombi is kind. Independent. He likes freedom. Nobody will chain him up. Nobody will order him about.

He likes a full stadium. Concerts. All are one. All are him. Occasionally he's troubled that the crowds are not turned towards him, but to somebody else. Zombi merges. He likes it and doesn't like it.

From Zombi, Nets (1996)

Translated by Viera and James Sutherland-Smith